I have to say something right now, that left-wingers will not like. But it has to be said for us to be able to grow as a species.

So I want you to prepare yourselves for the worst before you read on.

Are you sure you are ready?

Really?

Why am I writing this like a chain e-mail?

OK, here goes.

Fahrenheit 9/11 sucked.

I know you want to love it because it was a big documentary that said the war was bad.

No, it sucked.

I know you want to love it because you love Michael Moore.

I like Michael Moore too. Bowling for Columbine, loved it. Roger & Me, loved it. Canadian Bacon, loved it. The Big One, liked it. But Fahrenheit 9/11 sucked.

It sucked. It sucked. It sucked.

And you are probably asking yourselves, “why is he writing this now? Years after it’s release?”

Because Michael Moore has a new movie coming out tomorrow called SiCKO. And I don’t want you people blindly rushing in and out of the theater screaming, “Oh, Michael Moore is a God amongst men.” Especially if this movie sucks.

If you do that, then you are just like the Rush Limbaugh fans. The dittoheads.

And why are they called dittoheads? Because they can’t think for themselves, as their fearless leader frequently tells them. So the dittoheads just run around yelping, “ditto, ditto! Oh, Rush is right! Rush is right! Rush, let me bend over while you tell me how to let the corporations fuck me even harder!”

I don’t want you people to be dittoheads. I have more faith in you than that. So lean back, take a deep breath and remember never to let some big head on some giant screen dictate the truth to you.

Unless, of course, one day that big head happens to belong to me.

Procrastination.

How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

….

…A little bit later.

See, I am not entirely procrastinating at the moment. I am waiting to hear back from people before I can proceed with my work. I mean, sure, there are things I could be doing other than writing this blog entry.

BUT, in actuality, I have been procrastinating at writing a second blog entry. So that would mean that I am, in fact, battling against procrastination by placing keystrokes to digital medium. Right?

I have procrastinated entirely too much lately. This is not something new, however. Much like how I have always been a white guy, I have always been a procrastinator. I would have waited a little longer to start talking if I hadn’t been so sick and tired of milk. I waited it out on the reading thing until I had to buckle down and complete those SATs.

One doesn’t procrastinate. One is a procrastinator.

And you procrastinators need to just accept it, like I finally have. Because this is nothing you will ever overcome. You will never defeat it because it is you. It is your personality.

I know some of you might be weeping right now, crying out, “No! It simply can’t be true! I cannot be a… a…. that thing! Noooo!”

It is true. But it is nothing to be afraid of. In fact, I will give you a list of great things about being a procrastinator.

1. We will live longer than everyone else.
All those minuscule things that we need to catch up on will add up. So we will be ready to die, but we just won’t get around to it until tomorrow. Or 20 years later. Which gives us all the chance to become the curmudgeonly old person who lives in the creepy house scaring neighborhood kids away. Won’t that be fun?This, of course, only applies if you are a procrastinator who is no dependent on medications taken at a timely interval.

2. We get to do more fun things in life.
Those silly perfectionists who want to get things done in a timely fashion so that they can do the things they want never do. They end up spending all of the time making their whatever… well…. perfect. We, on the other hand, get to play more video games, watch more movies, sleep more, snack more, think more, sleep more, read more, dance more and sleep more.This does not apply if you consider visiting foreign countries a fun thing. Because we will never do that. Don’t kid yourselves.

3. I will get around to pointing that out later.

You know what? I’ll just get to the whole point of this entry later.

I feel sleepy now.

So I am starting to blog.

Why?

So I can share my inner most thoughts with the world? So I can practice as a writer? So you can get to know me better? So my idle hands aren’t the Devil’s play things? So I can look at my computer screen just a little bit longer?

No.

Because I am bored.

There are real things I’d like to do, but I have no energy to do them. Which is why I will turn on Strauss and leave this here for you, the gentle reader, to view.

But what exactly do I write about?

Computers? Comedy? Music? Movies? The virtues of Jhonen Vasquez? TV? Books? Cats? Money? Roommates? Shaw’s never having, at the same time, the only three things I buy? Work? Life? Religion? My damn car falling apart? Aliens? Lemurs? Blogs? My theories on the 7th Harry Potter book?

There is so much I could write about, yet my lack of motivation on all other fronts seems to have conquered me here as well. I feel no urge to write about anything.

So I shall write about nothingness. But, in actuality, there is no such thing as nothingness. So say the scientists anyway. But they also believe bananas and clouds have nearly the same DNA. So who are they to make judgments? If they really are right about the Universe being 13 billion years old, then, in the grand scheme of things, they have been studying it for all of 2 seconds.

How much can they truly know?

Probably more than me.

So I guess that leads us back to this “blog” being about nothingness (how? I’m not quite sure). Well, not nothingness, it is just about nothing. But if there is no nothingness then how can this be about nothing because there is no such thing? Because one certainly can’t do nothing, because they are always existing, breathing, thinking, smelling, hearing, seeing, touching, procrastinating.

Wow, I have really taken this blog to a new level of crap. And it is only my first entry.

So I guess this blog accomplished two things. It wasted some of my time. And it wasted some of yours.

I promise the next entry will be tons more meaningful.