Dearest Hillary Clinton,

I feel I owe you an apology. With all the talk of unfairness being thrown your way because you are a woman I have realized that I have accidentally become a part of that problem. And I apologize from the bottom of my heart.

You see, for quite some time now I have taken to calling you a “two-bit plastic whore.” “Whore” is such an ugly word that is used unfairly against women to demoralize them for alleged promiscuity because men are so self-conscious that they need to take women down with them. It is unfortunate, but it is our culture.

The part of the phrase I meant people to be taking away from it was “plastic.” You are plastic. You are fake. You are presenting yourself in as many ways as possible to be accepted by the general public, but few of those ways are really you. And I point this out regularly because I feel sometimes people let their sorrow for you remove that thought from their minds.

I could have just as easily called you a two-bit plastic dick. Or a two-bit plastic bastard. Or a two-bit plastic Republicrat.

But when I actually think about it, “whore” is the word that fits best. Not in the traditional promiscuity sense. No. In the “whoring yourself to the masses” sense, like a B-rate pop-singer or a movie star who is trying to make it big no matter what the artistic cost. Because that is what you do. When you put on that fake southern accent or send your friends out to give speeches about how cute you were when you used to flirt with boys in high school, trying to give yourself that “more human appeal,” you are being a whore.

I do not intend to single you out. You are no different then most any other politician out there, aside from those hopeless third party candidates.

However, if you had just tried being a natural human being before hand (something I fear first-ladyhood and the Republicans sadly stole from you), maybe it wouldn’t have come to this. Maybe then it wouldn’t have been such a big deal when you cried in a New Hampshire cafe. But, then again, that is certainly what you needed to help “humanize” yourself, right? I don’t know about you, but I would certainly be worried about me if people thought I needed to “humanize” myself. That would make me think I was a cyborg.

A plastic cyborg.

All in all, Hillary, I guess my apology is pretty thin. I apologize if you misunderstood my usage of the word “whore.” It has nothing to do with you being a woman. Honestly, I wouldn’t care if there was a Chinese Muslim hermaphrodite leading this nation of ours. Because to get to the Oval Office they would have had to be a two-bit plastic whore.

Sincerely,
Mickey Stiletto

I’m technically a New Hampshirite for a few more months. And so, despite how I preach how worthless it is, I did the American thing and went to the polls on Tuesday. It was actually quite nice because I did it as a family outing with my (Republican) parents.

Ahh, to try and dissuade my father’s ideals.

Heading to the polls I was not quite sure where my vote would land. A Vermont friend asked me to vote Edwards for her. Because by the time Vermont has it’s primary, it is all too pointless. Since I have no affiliation, admiration or respect for either party, she asked me to stand up for her. And I wasn’t completely against the idea because Edwards was the actual “talker” out of the Democrats truly potential herd.

Of course, I could have voted for long-time hopeless candidate Dennis Kucinich. Not because of the hot wife. But because he talks bigger than Edwards and I actually believe, if pigs were to fly over a frozen Hell, that he would do his damnedest to follow through with his promises. But a vote for Kucinich is merely a protest vote. A vote far more worthless than a 2000 Nader vote.

Or I could have gone to the Republican side of things just to make my small attempt to screw up their race. A vote for the candidate who I believe has the least chance in the General Election. And, honestly, that would be Mitt Romney. Huckabee is a crazy evangelical, but he is very, very likable and has such cute little stories about pardoning Keith Richards. Not too mention the support of action-god Chuck Norris. And while McCain does not have the support from the far right, he has support from the unaffiliated Independents. And when it comes down to it, the right-wing is, on the whole, going to vote for the Republican candidate because it is their lesser of two evils.

Also on the right there was always Ron Paul. A candidate the left-wingers have support for because of his stand against the Iraq War. Unfortunately they have never looked into the rest of his crazy ideas.

So I could have voted for the flip-flopping Mormon. Or I could suck it up and vote for one of the two real Democratic contenders. My choice would be Obama. But certainly not whole-heartedly. Because, while Obama is a phenomenal public speaker, he says absolutely nothing of substance. He has been playing it safe because, sadly, he knows what it takes to win.

The only person who I knew would not be receiving my vote was Hillary Clinton. The poor excuse for a plastic whore would not receive a check on my ballot. Ever. Why? While I have no particular problem with anything she has or hasn’t done since being in the Senate or even being First Lady, she could never win the White House. She is truly a plastic whore. But she also carries with her a horrid and unfair perception of “ball-breaking lesbian.”

Of course I have no problem with lesbians (not that she is one). But when people say that word in reference to her, they don’t mean a typical lesbian. They mean, and, as I said, unfairly so to all involved, man-hating, controlling, conniving, evil woman. She got this persona from the Republicans in the Clinton years because A) she tried to bring America Universal Health Care (a mistake she will never make again) and B) was the stiff board standing next to Slick Willy, commie-liberal, stainer of unattractive intern’s dresses Slick Willy. (By the way, I take offense at the fact that Republicans would apply so beautiful a word as Communist to Bill Clinton).

While America’s perceptions may be unfair and erroneous, it is still the fact of the matter. And she would not beat any Republican in the General Election. So Hillary Clinton would not be getting my vote.

As I took the two hour drive to my parents’ house, I passed lots of candidate’s signs. They represented mostly only two people. Two very surprising people from how the pundits were talking all day. The first was Ron Paul and the second was Hillary Clinton.

This made me a little nervous.

But as I drove I also passed a lot of polling stations. Out front I saw, generally, only supporters of one candidate. Hillary Clinton.

This heartened me. Surely people would see the desperation invoked by the Clinton campaign and know that this was not a cause to back. What were these sign wielding idiots hoping for? That people who were entering the polling station with the plan of voting Giuliani would see them and mystically change there vote to Hillary?

Things were looking good.

My Dad pulled the car into the polling station. It was packed. Certainly it would be a record day. And I finally knew who my vote was going to be cast for.

That’s when it happened. As a trio, we took the corner and came face to face with them. Two supporters, each holding very long boards with four or five signs attached. Hillary signs.

We neared and the supporters looked towards us. “They will not change my mind,” I thought. But as we approached, they said an unsynchronized “hello” and shook their sign-overloaded boards.

It was the feeling I imagine takes place when a spell of real Voodoo has been cast by a Witch Doctor. A warm, not so tingly, feeling of content and peace with the world began at my pupils and spread, slowly, but surely. My mind felt at ease and my body slackened ever so slightly. I had only one thought. Not a determined thought, but a nice thought.

I must vote for Hillary.

And with a simple motivation, the three of us entered to vote for Hillary.

Of course nothing like this happened at all. But apparently those assholes with the signs really expected it to. Maybe it does. It is possible that out of the hundreds of thousands of voters they changed 3000 votes and changed the election (or perhaps the Obama campaigned slacked with confidence). I don’t know.

But one thing is for sure. The sign holders are still assholes, even if they do give you a very kind “hi.”