I wanted to call this piece “The Darjeeling Limited can suck my ball sack which I now have to tuck in my left sock because I have aged 90 years through the course of this film.” But that would be too long (much like the movie).

I should clear up two things before I continue. First, I loved The Royal Tenenbaums. A lot. I have been a fan of Wes Anderson’s work and I was excited for this film. Second, I would normally not waste time reviewing a film after it has been out on DVD for so long. But I have strong feelings about this film. Really strong feelings. And I want to save you from it.

We start off with a “short” film called Hotel Chevalier. They say it is short, but it is really about 13 hours of movie that supposedly is a worthwhile prologue to the feature presentation. While it was great to see Natalie Portman (in the buff or not), this storyless moving picture could have easily been done in about two minutes and still have had plenty of time for the stagnant, pretty shots and the poetic prose. Unfortunately, Anderson seemed to want to test my patience like an old woman at the post office who is enjoying her last few years by admiring every one of the two thousand pennies she is counting out to buy a book of stamps.

Finally, Natalie is dressed and credits roll. Better take a bathroom break before you embark on the bleak pilgrimage of cinematic voyage ahead of you. Though, if you take a pit stop in the middle of the film, chances are you won’t miss one of it’s five jokes.

The film was shot well. The film was acted well. The film stole, by my calculations, two and a half years from my life well. It moved slower than a snail crawling the wrong way on a conveyor belt at the airport while the Bush Administration tries to waterboard it.

Waterboarding. I think that would have been a more pleasant way to spend the two consecutive weeks it took this film to conclude. Yes, I said I would rather have the unpleasant sensation of a fake drowning for two weeks straight then watch this movie ever again.

Are you getting it? This film was loooooong. And I will stop with the analogies for the time being in the fear that this piece could become so long.

Then we have this recurring theme in Wes Anderson films. Uber-rich with eccentric neuroses that clash with their uber-rich siblings who have equally eccentric neuroses, though with their own special, quirky feel . It was cute in Tenenbaums. But if you expect me to keep loving rich people for their hard times when I am finding it harder and harder to scrape together the three bucks to rent a movie then you are as confused as the fragile, self-centered creatures in these films. The theme is getting tired and my admiration is wearing as thin as my futon.

The Darjeeling Limited raised visceral reactions in me. When it finally ended, the first thing I had to do was find the fastest paced television show I could, whether it starred Carrot Top or not. It just needed to be the most coked-up, cracked-out, blindingly fast experience ever thought up by any two-bit hack. If Speed 2 was PCP, let’s say. Luckily I took in some Family Guy.

But now I have to fundamentally question my taste in movies. It is like I am a frat boy just wiping the lube out of my ass from Hell Week and wondering if it was all worth it.

Should I spend the rest of my movie watching days under the flickering pictures of such sure to be top notch successes like What Happens In Vegas? I mean, honestly, this film made me love Natalie Portman a little less because she acted in it.

If that isn’t a quake to the fundamental spirit, then I would hate to witness the rock bottom that is.