Not too long ago I saw a teenager who must have tremendous calf muscles. He was managing to walk while wearing the waist of his jeans around his knees. That’s a lot of lower leg work. He might even suffer one day from arthritis because of this.

My pants sag. That is inevitable. I wear baggy, loose pants with belts that don’t work that great. And I really am too damn lazy to care about it. But to wear your pants around your knees and still function? That is one effort for fashion. An effort I can’t muster because, as I said two sentences ago, my pants sag because I am lazy.

I am not fully disgusted by this style. It began when my generation was in high school, so it is something I am used to. But I can understand why people don’t like it. I can’t, however, understand, why Flint, Michigan thinks it is a worthwhile effort to warn, ticket and potentially arrest kids for “disorderly conduct” and indecent exposure.

(See the story and great pictogram for yourself here. And let us all thank MaryJane for passing it along).

This is certainly not the first attempt to get kids to pull their pants up. About a year ago there was an attempt by some towns to ticket kids for being unsanitary for their sagging jeans. Well, if that is the case, there are a few homeless guys in my neighborhood who should be getting regular police reminders to bathe. And, if it is so unsanitary, then why not arrest my dad (like so many others) for being a health-code violator? Even though my pants sag I keep my underwear up, unlike Quarter Moon Man and the Ass Crackers.

According to the Flint PD (and their lovely pictogram [I'm not sure if that is the right term, but it was my first chance ever to use it, so I am]), however, apparently a little bit of “butt cleavage” is becoming a problem. So they need to crack down (I didn’t even see that pun until proof-reading).

This law is obviously reflective of just another need to be able to search anyone they feel like. I would say that the evidence is certainly there to create a convincing bar graph of the saggage to criminal-likelihood ratio, but there is also convincing evidence of a mustache size to douche-baggedness ratio for cops. Does this mean we get to send all mustachioed officers before Internal Affairs on suspicion of police brutality?

Most people in the comments section below this article seem to be for the law. Because they don’t want to have to look at that sort of thing. Well I don’t want to have to look at your stupid, snout-nosed, pig face. So do what I do: look away. Just like how you change the channel if you don’t like what you are watching (or write the FCC and ruin it for the rest of us, whatever cloth your cut from.).

The real reason these people don’t like the baggy-pantsed kids is because they are intimidated by them.

They should be. Kids are pricks. But what they fail to remember when reminiscing about their “old-fashioned values” is that kids were pricks in the 50′s too. And they are going to be pricks in the next set of 50′s. What is more, it doesn’t matter if they are wearing a 50 Cent shirt or a Ralph Lauren shirt. ALL kids are pricks. Some have just been raised to hide it a little better than others.

Finally, there is the issue of, “well if they can arrest kids for wearing this, what other styles can they arrest for?” A bunch of people are happy that values are being supported by harassing a kid who doesn’t know what a belt is. So if we are arresting for butt cleavage, then why not for breast-style cleavage? I heard a comedian long ago saying something along the lines of, “if girls can wear v-necks and show off a little of there goods, why can’t I show a little neck?” You figure out the neck he is talking about.

But it’s true. What if boobies offend me? Why not arrest for low-cuts and midriffs? Why not get everyone wearing burkas?

That’s fine by me. Our culture is too promiscuous anyway. So why not get everyone to cover everything up? Porn and the bra section of the J.C. Penny catalog will be way more stimulating when it isn’t something you can see walking down any street in America.

But, then again, I thought that the reasons that the Twin Towers fell was because Western women wear bikinis? Well, that and because planes hit them, but you get my point.

So if everyone is covering up everything, isn’t that letting the terrorists win? Maybe we should go against the grain and become one giant nudist colony. Then everyone would just be bringing towels with them everywhere. Of course, then cops would probably just harass the black kids because their towels were to… whatever.

Oh, whoops. Did I say black?

I meant the baggy-pantsed kids. Cops wouldn’t harass only the black baggy-pantsed kids.
Because some cops live in towns with no black kids.

Dearest Hillary,

I promise that my apologies will not be as shallow as last time. I am here to offer you the sincerest and truest regrets I can muster. Why? Because I singled you out of all the candidates still in the race in January and called you a “two-bit plastic whore.” I am not apologizing for calling you that, because that is what you are, but I have found that there is someone who tops you. Who annihilates you.

A super-mega plastic whore, if you will.

Barack Obama has shed his grass-roots, by-of-and-for the people, standing up for those who can not speak, “Yes We Can” change things, populist skin like a snake offering an apple of ignorance. I have not seen such a crazy, back-pedaling attitude since the last time I got drunk and called my ex-girlfriend late at night:

“Oh, baby, I didn’t mean it when I said we needed a 16 month time table. And the telecoms should not be prosecuted. And I won’t take the public funding. And all that stuff I said about being a person of change, I didn’t really mean that. I want commitment. I want to commit to the same broken system we have been running all this time, honey. I really do promise this time.”
OK, maybe he didn’t come right out and say that last part, but it is only a matter of time. Just like lapel pins.

You have nothing on this super-mega plastic whore, Hillary. You might be a cyborg, but at least we have known that about you for a while. At least we knew what to expect with your nomination.

Here is where I would normally fill a piece with funny critiques in the form of metaphors and similes, but honestly, Hillary, I am a little irked by this situation. It would have been foolish for even the most ardent Obama cultist to think that he wouldn’t slink to the center now that it is general election time and the need to woo those “independents” is so necessary. Still, Obama has forgone the traditional quiet path and has screamed “look at me, look at me,” like a child who is not getting enough attention so he is threatening to jump off the roof.

While I have criticized your supporters for their poor sport, “I’m taking my ball and going to McCain” attitude, I wouldn’t have been nearly so harsh had they done so after his full-throttle race to the right. Now it probably won’t be just your supporters abandoning the democrats. The difference is that the young, x-treme, passionate vote that Obama so superbly used to his advantage will not run to McCain. They will just stay home on November 4th and get tore back off bottles of Robitussin.

And that is unfortunate.

But it is why I am so cynical. It is why I called you a two-bit plastic whore to begin with. It is why I don’t have faith in our “two party” system. It is why I had intended not to vote.

Obama had changed that for me. I wasn’t head over heels for him, but I was ready to vote for him after I swore off voting. Now I see that it is pointless. Unless my vote helps to affect congress. Because presidents are not born, they are made out of promises and falseness.

All those who still remain dedicated to the cause can hope for is that people don’t really care about issues. It is, like I have maintained, a system of pop-culture politics. And it will come down to campaign pins and flag waving and good looks. Because Obama certainly has the looks over McCain and his weird, creepy, child-molester-esque, tired-looking, toothy smile.

Yay America.

Happy 4th Mrs. Clinton. Congratulations on not being a super-mega whore.

Sincerely,

Mickey Stiletto

We learned from the Reverend Wright “issue” that Barack Obama is a man who has to apologize for his friends and associates words, even if he isn’t around when they think up their thoughts or spout them out loud. Now we have learned that Obama has to apologize for more than that.

Recently, General Wesley Clark, long time Clinton supporter, said in reference to John McCain, “I don’t think riding in a fighter plane and getting shot down is a qualification to be president.”

Of course, Obama, who has a non-existent (but not quite Bush-like) war record, had to distance himself from this comment simply because they are both of the Democratic Party. But when I read an article in the New York Times on this issue, I was very surprised by a portion of their take. After discussing Obama’s distancing, the article said this:

Asked if he wanted an apology, McCain said, “That’s certainly up to Senator Obama.”

So now, Obama does not just have to apologies for comments made by people who he has chosen as friends in the past, he has to apologize for anything anyone says anytime and anywhere ever. You could say tomorrow, “Pepsi is better than Coke,” and Obama would apparently have to hold a rally for Coke supporters (not the Wall Street ones) and proclaim how he has equal love for both soft drinks and he apologizes on behalf of the person he has never met who posted it in a vlog on YouTube.

Even though I will be an Obama supporter in November, I feel like we should vet him a little bit harder. So here is a list of random quotes I just made up to see how well he can dodge a bullet that is not even related to him (and I am certainly not implying anything about Hillary’s “Bobby Kennedy” comment with that “dodge a bullet” comment):

“Nuns are just women who couldn’t get laid in high school.”

“McCain’s momma had a love affair with a muppet.”

“DIE, WHITEY! DIE!”

“Hillary needs a makeover, badly.”

“9/11 was a hoax dreamed up by leprechauns and manticores.”

“Swedes are hose-swilling, garlic mongers.”

“Chubby Checker was a douche-bag.”

“March of the Penguins was a stupid movie for stupid people. And so was Saving Private Ryan.”

“Recycling is for gays.”

“Steven Seagal is gay.”

“Some other homophobic comment that ends in gay. (Preferably one about the Dali Lama because he’s super queer and so are celebrities who love to associate themselves with him).”

“Driving an SUV makes you sterile.”

And finally…

“Obama told me that he can totally kick Chuck Norris’ ass and he will take him on any time, any where, even if that sissy, little Defender of Huckabee were to jump out from a bush with a samurai sword.”

So there you go, Obama. Good luck digging yourself out of the hole I made for you.