I’m not even going to bother messing around with witty metaphors, you know the country is in an economic morgue with no Pie Maker to bring it back to life (RIP Pushing Daisies).

So are we going to be Negative Nancys or are we going to be Positive Pattys?

Let’s start fixing this country one company at a time. Screw Ford. First, I would like to suggest Vermont Teddy Bear. It is struggling like every other company, but I am a Positve Patty with the ideas to fix it.

I have a special place in my heart for Teddy Bear because it is the former employer of my brother-in-law and a friend of mine. I also hold special feelings for the Bear because they were part of such a strange backlash a few years ago.

If you don’t remember, the VTB released a product called the “Crazy For You” Bear. Crazy For You Bear was dressed in a straight jacket which caused a furor amongst “mental health advocates” who, in quite a fit of irony, went absolutely insane. They claimed that this bear continued a false stereotype that all psychos wear straight jackets and that because of this object, meant for affection, people would not go get help for their suicidal thoughts and schizophrenic ideas.

It was the stupidest thing since pro-lifers started killing doctors.

It also caused the discontinued bears to be purchased at alarming rates and resold on eBay for hundreds of dollars. So why not use the same American, P.C. psychosis again in an effort to revive a company that sells unneeded items at ridiculous costs?

Here are my ideas for a few bears that might just do the trick.

Obsessed With You Bear – complete with a phone that is on constant redial and a lock of it’s beloeved’s hair that it sniffs frequently.

Intoxicated By You Bear – A hobo, complete with bindle, who wets himself.

Arrested By You Bear – preferably designed with leather gimp outfit, handcuffs and, of course, ball-gag.

Still Got It For You Bear – An elderly bear with a big smile and a pack of Viagra.

Jungle Love Bear – A bear designed with 70′s blacksplotation in mind.

Bear On A Bear Skin Rug Bear – Should get the red paint a-flowin’ with the PETA people.

Infected By You Bear – I don’t know how you design a bear to have AIDs…

Happy To See You Bear – this one could be causing too much of a problem. Other names could include Excited For You Bear or Raging Hard-On Bear

Tea Bag Bear – Again, I don’t really know how to design this one.

Asking Her To Bring Another Girl To Bed Bear – A speaking bear that says, “If you really loved me, you’d do it.”

Back Door Bear – Maybe alluding to Kevin Smith’s Mallrats, we’ll put this bear in the back of a Volkswagon.

I’m Sorry For Spunking In Your Eyes Bear – A very apologetic looking bear who is offering up some goggles and a wetnap.

Heart Breaker Bear – Not all bears need to be sexual in nature. We could bring this back to the Mortal Kombat controversy of the early 90′s and have one bear whose arm is entering the other’s chest and exiting his back and holding a beating heart. You know, “Finish Him.”

Or, they could just do Crazier For You Bear – Screw the straight jacket, we’re going all out with razor blade inserted in wrist and bad emo poetry by the bear’s side.