I once tried to keep a dream diary (for about a week), but then I realized that it was gay. So I stopped. But the other day I woke up from a dream and while I barely remembered anything leading up to it, I remembered this vividly and I had to jot it down.

Two girls are talking and one says: “I mean, Abbie, it almost felt like I had to wear panties after the Vanilla Ice incident!”

Tell me, dream professionals, what the hell is that supposed to mean?

On second thought, maybe I don’t want to know.

The Washington Post is doing it’s civic duty today and trying to scare the hell out of you, because the swine flu is coming to kill you!

“‘The virus is still around and ready to explode,’ said William Schaffner, an influenza expert at the Vanderbilt University School of Medicine who advises federal health officials. ‘We’re potentially looking at a very big mess.’”

This is bad! Get out your health masks!

“‘This is something that we could see here soon,’ said Arnold S. Monto, a University of Michigan infectious-disease expert who advises the World Health Organization, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and other federal health agencies.” “‘We have to be worried about our ability to handle a surge of severe cases.’”

Lock your family away! To the bomb shelter!

“‘This epidemic will transmit faster than usual, because the population is more susceptible,’ said Marc Lipsitch, a professor of epidemiology at the Harvard School of Public Health who has been helping the CDC project the severity of the upcoming wave.”

GOOD LORD!!!!

Oh wait. What was that in the 8th paragraph?

“So far, no signs have emerged that the virus has mutated into a more dangerous form. Most people who become infected seem to experience relatively mild illness.”

Wait, wait. This is a multi-thousand word piece on how the world is coming to an end, but most people only get mildly ill? And this is from the Southern Hemisphere where it is currently winter and, hence, flu season?

In fact, an average flu season “hospitalizes an estimated 200,000 Americans and contributes to 36,000 deaths.” Only 436 attributed to swine flu in the U.S. so far. And “most of those who have developed serious illness and died have had other health problems.” So we are freaking out because…?

“The last flu pandemic, the 1968-69 Hong Kong flu, was the mildest of the 20th century, contributing to perhaps 1 million deaths worldwide, including about 34,000 in the United States.”

In 1969 the U.S. population was at about 202 million or about two-thirds of today’s population. Meaning that if the swine flu were to have the same effect as the Hong Kong flu, that would put the death toll at about 15,000 more than the average flu season. .00005% of Americans. What amazing odds. But they did say the Hong Kong flu was mild, so let’s say swine flu is twice as bad. You are .0001% more likely to die than from just an average flu. Kill yourself now to avoid the pain.

Some might say the Post and others are being sensationalists. If that were true, would they really add this:

“In Kenya, white-coated health workers have been passing out questionnaires at the Nairobi airport and putting up glossy posters about the virus on the walls of downtown cafes. False alarms about the virus have spawned a sense of panic in some places. When a health clinic in a Nairobi mall recently suspected a patient of being infected, word leaked out and soon shoppers were sending out text messages across the city warning people to stay away. The clinic was shut down for a day.”

Go Media, Go! Rah-rah!

Yes, we all know that the internet is full of factual errors. But for some reason, this one really got to me. CinemaBlend.com, which I assume is a sight that deals in movie gossip and such, posted the news that they will be making Underworld 4. Cool. Underworld was great and Underworld: Rise of the Lycans was surprisingly good (I could go with or without Underworld: Evolution).

So what’s the big deal? A new film in a franchise you enjoy. that’s good, right?

First: “So who will be in it? The first two movies starred Kate Beckinsale and Scott Speedman. In the third one Speedman was left out in the cold while Beckinsale was replaced (sort of) by her doppelganger Rhona Mitra.”

There’s no “sort of” about it. Beckinsale was NOT replaced by Mitra. Beckinsale played Selene. Mitra played Sonja. TWO DIFFERENT CHARACTERS!! Yes, because of lore setup in Underworld, Mitra needed to look similar to Beckinsale, but she was playing someone ENTIRELY DIFFERENT!!

They didn’t even exist IN THE SAME TIME PERIOD!! (Which also explains why Speedman was “left out in the cold”).

More: “There’s no official word yet on who they’ll rope into the fourth movie but it’s hard to imagine Beckinsale going back to it while on the other hand, Rhona Mitra isn’t particularly busy. I’m betting on Rhona. We’ll let you know when we know.”

If you had the most basic concept of this franchise you would know that, UNLESS IT WERE A PARALLEL UNIVERSE, the character of Sonja IS NOT COMING BACK!

I’m sorry, you are probably finding me all Kirk/Picard right now, but this isn’t some silly, little, nit-picky thing (sort of) THEY ARE SEPERATE EFFIN’ CHARACTERS! Josh Tyler needs to get his head out of his ass!

Nerd rage over.

You know how tough guys wear all that gold jewelry? Sometimes it has there name in big, diamond encrusted, gold letters? I want to do that.

But with Scrabble tiles.

The city of San Francisco has about three grocery stores left because during the high times of the economy owners found people would pay great amounts for their valuable land. So one would think that moving in ten paces from a Trader Joe’s would be a blessing.

I have never seen a store filled with more slack-jawed, void of awareness, sloth-like assholes.

A simple trip for vegetable burritos turns into an epic quest, battling through scores of meandering dickwads mindlessly wandering in tightly packed, compact isles as they examine labels for the slightest hint of anything that they might have read a negative news report on in the past few days. No consciousness for the high-strung, impatient east coaster who has a short list, irregardless of the MSG or trans fats.

What gets me through these dark journeys is the passive-aggressive dreams. Pulling random items from the abandoned cart of a young couple who are blocking my way while having a minor scuffle over a haughty item, praying the absent products will cause a furor at their home. Dropping a meaty product into the basket of another vegetarian who can’t decide between mildly different hummuses (hummusi?) while leaving the Tofurkey inaccessible.

Of course, I would never follow through with the plans because I am a big, paranoid pussy. But one can dream… all the way to the check-out where you stand for 25 minutes while some old hippie discusses aroma therapy with the cashier.

I miss my DeLano’s. But at least I still get to trek back their occasionally to stock up on my beloved Ramen Noodles. Even if I do feel socially awkward buying 20 packages of Ramens from a 90% Asian employeed store.

Their cheap, deliciousness is worth it.