I have been doing an unhealthy amount of thinking about zombies today. And I have realized one thing: at the first hint of a zombie outbreak, I am finding one and letting it bite me.

I know this sounds backwards, but from what I could recollect from every zombie movie I have ever seen, this is the best plan of action for me.

You know that minor actor who is the friend/brother/life partner who gets bitten in the beginning of the movie? That’s all they get. Bitten. Well, I mean, they get undead disease too, but they only get a bite. You remember that hero who fights off hordes of zombies for ages and saves the pregnant woman/self-centered business man/young dude at personal risk? What do they get? Ripped apart and eaten alive by a mob of very starved zombies. Literally dozens of mouths and hands biting and tearing at them like they were kids getting candy that just fell out of a piñata. Vicious.

I don’t like pain.

So I will just get an easier ow-ie early and then roam around looking for some gray matter. And if the movies are true, later on I will even pop by to say ‘hi’ to my silly friends who try and survive. (Zombies clearly have some remnants of their former, not singularly food-focused selves stored away in there. Or there is a God and he really likes to fuck with people by having their undead loved ones try to devour them).

Say what you will (which is probably that I am the biggest pussy ever), but I don’t like guns and my weak, little, girlie wrists will probably break when I try to decapitate a necromorph with a shovel. Hell, I once struck out at a slow-pitch softball game, melee will do me no good. So I know my best chance at survival is to get in with the in-crowd and start trying to orally lobotomize you.

Or maybe nibble on your left arm. Because even though zombies are supposed to be into brains, I have never seen them cracking at a skull, just feasting on appendages. Which is strange.

Hmmmm. Do they ever show them trying to eat actual brains?

Now I’m starting to think this zombie thing is a gigantic sham. Fuck you, George A. Romero!

The Nobel Peace Prize was created by the man who invented dynamite. This really isn’t ironic in that gunpowder had been around for ages prior and the only person I can think of who used dynamite for violent purposes is Wile E. Coyote. But something about it still seems strange. Much like Barack Obama receiving the Nobel Peace Prize. Apparently for saying words like ‘hope’ and ‘change’ and making foreign countries feel all warm and fuzzy after spending eight years with the Incarnate of Evil Administration, he is the ultimate bringer of peace (this year).

I know all sorts of people truly believe Obama deserved this. Personally, I think it is just going to mire us in more Republican trouble and headaches from cries of ‘elitist’ and ‘Europe is evil’ and set progress back even farther. But the prize has been given and I don’t have a time machine or clout. However, knowing now how lax the standards are for bestowing the honor, I would like to give my short-list for next year’s running.

Marvin Gaye: A posthumous award to the man who made music to which war can never be fought. When you hear those first two seconds of ‘Let’s Get It On’ there is only one feeling roaming your skin. The feeling to start bumpin’ uglies, because the blood is pumping to the goods.

Dan Brown: Generally it is believed that ignorance is a leading cause of violence. The theory is that the undereducated tend to be more of an aggressive bunch because they are not civilized blah-blippity-blah-blah. But the way in which Dan Brown dumbs people down does not lead to violence (except among those fairy, ‘reader’ types, right?). Dan ‘The Metaphor Crusher’ Brown slaps around the English language like a pimp and makes it his whore, bending whatever ungodly way it needs to bend for the money. The result is a pile of rubbish that leaves the reader a slobbering, lobotomized mess, not likely to hurt a poorly depicted fly.

Glenn Beck: Because that would just be funny as fuck.

The Internet: The award would have to be diced up and given to those sites most deserving, but the Internet on the whole would be the winner. For that first time you came across YouTube and you didn’t stop clicking through links until that lingering smell of four day old poop in your pants finally registered with your Numa Numa saturated brain. Facebook quizzes eat larger and larger hours out of your work, personal and love-making time. Your Amazon cart fills with purchases you’d someday like to make and Wikipedia prepares you for Jeopardy. The Internet is a master at keeping the peace (except for WoW griefers) because the only time you get violent is when your DSL lag causes hiccups in your new favorite Kanye West/Debbie Does Dallas/Auto-Tune mash-up. (Don’t you try to bring up Twitter and Iran as a ‘real’ example. I will cut you!)

Television: This is my personal favorite to win. With all do respect to the Internet, Television has been keeping people docile and un-rebelious for far, far longer. And, unlike the Internet, Television is not interactive. When you hang out with Television, you are in a near catatonic state. The only thing proving brain activity is your hand moving from the Cheetos bag to your mouth to your pants (for a napkin!). I think the addiction to reality TV creates far more complancency than even internet porn. Yes, Television has kept Americans (and many other countries’ citizens) an apathetic and fat-assed class for decades past and (knock on wood, says the politician) decades future. Also, it has some really, really good shows. I can seriously give you a list for your TiVo if you like. Seriously.

I hope the Nobel Prize Commitee will take my selections into consideration because I think they are genuinely good prospects. And also, the Commitee have really proven that they don’t give a crap and just phone in their votes anyway. Maybe Television has had it’s way with them too and that’s why they gave their award to a man who has done little to nothing. I mean, we all know Television (except for that scrotum-like Fox News section) says Barry rulez.

I know all you iPhone-toting douche bags want to think Steve Jobs is the Second Coming. He isn’t. And despite the fact that I know this because Jesus and I have regular games of drunken darts and tickle fights, I am aware you won’t believe me. Still, will you stop trying to convince yourself that the iPhone is the cause for any other company’s success or failure within the last century?

I really hate it when articles involve the iPhone in places it doesn’t generally belong. Like a recent New York Times piece that, essentially, says that the video game industry is being brought to it’s knees by the 99 cent casual games purchased on iTunes.

Here is the question that seems to drive the whole article: “How can Nintendo, Sony and Microsoft keep consumers hooked on game-only consoles, like the Wii or even the PlayStation Portable, when Apple offers games on popular, everyday devices that double as cellphones and music players?”

That is one of the most retarded question I have heard asked by a professional journalist in a… well, OK, probably not that long.

Still what follows is a piece about the recent downturn in the console market and how it is nearly entirely caused by the success of the iPhone and not like, say, oh, I don’t know, a MELTDOWN OF THE GLOBAL FUCKING ECONOMY! Yeah, nothing to do with the NEAR DEPRESSION we are working ourselves out of. Video games are fucked because of the goddamn, perfect and heavenly iPhone.

That is like saying that the board game industry fell to pieces when the New York Times added crossword puzzles.

It is two entirely different markets. It can somewhat be related the Wii’s success due to it’s broader appeal and ease of use. Without these Nintendo would not have a console in my mother’s home and even my grandmother’s home. Just because Grammy has a Wii doesn’t mean that the Halo universe or the GTA franchise have crumbled and moved into the bobble-head racer genre. Hardcore and casual can, surprisingly, co-exist.

Casual gaming on your iPhone is a success because it allows people a simple way to kill time on the subway or in the lobby. But you are not going to get the depth, graphics or many of the other things you get on a console.

Yes, there are things consoles can improve on. For example, Microsoft can make a system that doesn’t have a higher death rate than cancer patients. Sony can quit over-charging for technology that is as much of an improvement as putting a little make-up on Natalie Portman (that means it was already pretty to begin with). Nintendo can try and stop all the crappy shovelware and woo real publishers back.

But the game market isn’t going through armageddon because of the jEsusPhone. It’s not movie theater to home theater crisis or newspaper to internet disaster. It’s Sear’s Catalog to Sick Fetish Monthly.

So shut the fuck up about the goddamn iPhone.

P.S. The “iPhone-toting douche bags” thing doesn’t apply to my sister or her husband.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!