I was conversing with a friend recently, as is apt to happen, when the topic of spontaneous combustion came up. Which, of course, led me straight to zombies. To which her natural response was, “It always has to come back to zombies with you guys.” Which is very, very true. So I’d like to explain why males gravitate to the future zombie apocalypse (that is destined. Seriously, Nostradomus predicted it. Read your bible!).

The first thing that men will never fess up to is the natural fear of the zombie. Maybe it is somewhere in the reptilian part of our brain, but a man is always on the look out for new natural predators. Especially in the form of killbots, sexxy space invaders or Mothra.

But the real truth is that as run of the mill, average Americans who didn’t have the hardest lifestyles growing up, some men wonder just how strong their inner Chuck Norris is. We’ll think about our God-given samurai abilities, but living a life where dodging a bicycle and playing Grand Theft Auto is about as dangerous as it gets, there is always a part of our brain that is wondering if, in the face of real danger, those abilities are too un-nurtured to rise to the fore. What better way to find out the truth than a zombie apocalypse?

Am I the type of guy who can single-handedly pump a shotgun while using a lead pipe to defend the damsel in distress? Can I wield a chainsaw with the deftness of Gumby? Can I defy the laws of physics with my upper body, holding the horde at bay while my side-kick finds something to jam the door? Well, I have already admitted that I know I can’t. Even though I feel I can come to grips with that, I do still wonder if I can Louisville Slugger a zombie’s head clean off his body without getting any infectious blood in my mouth.

I have a friend who has openly admitted to me that he spends an ample amount of time day dreaming about dangerous situations and how to ass kick his way out. And I have seen this pay off. When a guy tried to steal one of our demo blu-ray players he actually had time to don his cape before chasing the would-be criminal down (completely against store policy, fyi). So if I have anecdotal evidence that mentally preparing oneself for battle can make you a hero for the day, why shouldn’t I be unhealthily obsessing about zombies or vampires or having the opportunity to punch Dan Brown in his stupid face?!

After posing this argument, my friend replies, “You are more likely to be attacked by trannie meth addicts eating a Subway sammie than by a zombie.”

Well, dear friend, I live in San Francisco. So I guess I will continue to practice the mental kung-fu.

And thank you for giving me another scenario for which I should prepare.