Freshman year of college, a perfectly sweet and innocent Mickey was being sweet and innocent. The phone rings.  Mickey answers sweetly and innocently.

“Stiletto dorm room, Mickey Stiletto at your services.”

“Hello,” his mother replies.

“Oh, how marvelous it is to hear from you, mother. The time apart has grown too long. We certainly must get together soon for a lovely cup of tea and a rousing game of backgammon.”

With something clearly on her mind, his mother ignores his warming verbal embrace and proceeds to the point. “Just tell me that you did it, Mickey.”

Genuinely baffled and mildly worried, Mickey responds. “…Why, mother, what ever do you mean?”

“I already know. It was stupid of you, but it will be fine. Just tell me that you did it.”

“I am honestly not sure of that which you speak.”

“The bill is in my hand.”

“Perhaps you might provide me with some indicator as to the thing the I have purportedly done so I might be able to rightly confirm or deny my amount of guilt.”

“Just tell me that you used my credit card to buy the porn.”

“Dear me, I am afraid there has clearly been an unfortunate mishap. Though I should be affronted, I can see there clearly is some confusion about. No, mother, I did not become a petty thief to acquire lustful objects of carnal perversion.”

Relieved, his mother said, “Whew. OK. I didn’t think so, but before I called the credit card company I just had to make sure.”

_________________________

True story from a time with slower internet and less free porn.

And, no, I didn’t do it and lie about it. Geez. I said there was less free porn, I didn’t say there was no free porn.